A hard couple of days

Not a savings, cooking, gardening or cooking post.  Just a warning.

I had to put my cat down yesterday.  Though I got her almost 16 years ago for my daughter, she quickly became my cat.  As a kitten she would sleep wrapped around my neck or under my then very long hair.  She moved with us four times.  She constantly found a new place to hide.   She was the first pet that was truly mine.

We trained her to behave more like a dog than a cat.  She greeted us at the door.  She fetched.  She slept on the bed with us (taking more space then me and DH took up)  As an older cat she would sit across my chest whenever I sat with the computer on my lap.

On Thursday she did just that at 9 pm after eating.  She came to bed with us at 11 pm.  She jumped off the bed and went under it, which is unusual but it sounded like she was playing so I dozed off (DH was already out)

I will save you the gory details, but at 12:20 I saw darling Taffy cat in such a state I thought I would collapse myself.  I had to wake up DH (who has to be at work by 4 am) and we went to the local animal hospital.  It was determined after several hours that it was a distressful hairball incident with vomiting of food, not blood as I thought.  That she wasn't in respiratory distress as I thought, she was just an older cat who had a very large hairball.

They were wrong............

By Noon we were back at the hospital and she never came home.  The cost of the surgery just wasn't feasible for a pet her age and with the other things we are dealing with.   And though I tend to be a realist...and handled the loss of my MIL whom I adored with logic and calm........I cannot comprehend the distress I am in.

I can't go into our bedroom without bursting into tears.  Our mattress is not something I want to lay on anymore as she had most of the episode on the bed (again, no gory details), and we have a new one being delivered on Friday.  I keep looking to see if her water dish is full (though it's not there........DH got rid of all of her items except her favorite toy which he kept for me) and we have already donated all the recent litter and food purchases to the local shelter. I keep making sure I close the slider door (she was an indoor pet) and I keep thinking I hear her.

I managed to teach yesterday and today (I made it to the studio with 10 minutes to spare before my first student) but I haven't slept more than a dozing since Wednesday.

Thanks for letting me put this out there.  I don't like crying at the drop of a hat, and I find it very confusing as it's not like me at all.  I know she was a big part of my world.......I have just never felt grief like this before.  I have posted some videos of her in a happier healthier time.